Ram Stein
Happy birthday, Rammy!
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Apr. 27th, 2008
Apr. 25th, 2008
Apr. 11th, 2008
Apr. 2nd, 2008
Mar. 29th, 2008
Mar. 23rd, 2008
Good news and bad
The good news is that I'm no longer being audited. Ram Stein hacked into the CRA computers and changed all the information they had on me so that it looks like I've overpaid my taxes for this year. They called me this morning to say I have a whopping refund coming—something in the mid six figures. Life is good.
Unfortunately with every drop of sunshine there must come some rain, but luckily the one who got soaked this time was Rammy and not me. A few neighboring farmers came over to ask if they could use Rammy as a Judas goat so they could catch some wolves stealing their chickens. Rammy didn't want to, but I figured it was good to make friends with the neighbors. You never know when you might want to borrow beer from them later.
The idea was that these three farmers would tie Ram Stein to a stake in the ground and wait behind a nearby tree for the wolves to attack, then shoot them before they did any harm, but apparently this takes a lot longer than expected. When the wolves hadn't shown up well over an hour later they got a little bored and decided to go to the little Irish pub in town. By chance the pub was having a two for one bar brands special and the rest is history.
While the farmers were getting soused in the pub the wolves came and found a big fat sheep tied to a stake in the middle of the neighbor's farm. I could hear the frantic baaaaaah-ing almost half a mile away and went over to investigate, then found Rammy trying to direct a fine beam of pee into the eyes of one wolf while the other attacked from the rear. They ran off smelling of wool and urine when I approached, which was a good thing since Ram Stein was in a really foul mood by then. The instant I released him from the stake he ran off after the little bastards.
The farmers found the two wolves ripped to shreds in the middle of the road when they returned from the pub, then came over to tell me they didn't need my sheep anymore since the wolves were dead. It would have pissed me off that they refused to pay me if I wasn't getting that huge refund from the government, but it's okay in any case since Rammy stole some of their chickens on his way home. I'm not sure exactly what he's planning to do with them, but they all seem to be hens so I don't have to worry about an annoying rooster waking me up first thing in the morning. I can't believe my life has become Green Acres. Doh!
Unfortunately with every drop of sunshine there must come some rain, but luckily the one who got soaked this time was Rammy and not me. A few neighboring farmers came over to ask if they could use Rammy as a Judas goat so they could catch some wolves stealing their chickens. Rammy didn't want to, but I figured it was good to make friends with the neighbors. You never know when you might want to borrow beer from them later.
The idea was that these three farmers would tie Ram Stein to a stake in the ground and wait behind a nearby tree for the wolves to attack, then shoot them before they did any harm, but apparently this takes a lot longer than expected. When the wolves hadn't shown up well over an hour later they got a little bored and decided to go to the little Irish pub in town. By chance the pub was having a two for one bar brands special and the rest is history.
While the farmers were getting soused in the pub the wolves came and found a big fat sheep tied to a stake in the middle of the neighbor's farm. I could hear the frantic baaaaaah-ing almost half a mile away and went over to investigate, then found Rammy trying to direct a fine beam of pee into the eyes of one wolf while the other attacked from the rear. They ran off smelling of wool and urine when I approached, which was a good thing since Ram Stein was in a really foul mood by then. The instant I released him from the stake he ran off after the little bastards.
The farmers found the two wolves ripped to shreds in the middle of the road when they returned from the pub, then came over to tell me they didn't need my sheep anymore since the wolves were dead. It would have pissed me off that they refused to pay me if I wasn't getting that huge refund from the government, but it's okay in any case since Rammy stole some of their chickens on his way home. I'm not sure exactly what he's planning to do with them, but they all seem to be hens so I don't have to worry about an annoying rooster waking me up first thing in the morning. I can't believe my life has become Green Acres. Doh!
Mar. 20th, 2008
Doh!
Day 9 and still no Bootsy. I suppose she's never coming back. Well, good. We could use the extra room in the house for my new collection of empty pizza boxes. For some reason they keep piling up. You'd think the pizza boy would take the old ones away when he delivers a new one, but apparently these fucktards have never heard of recycling.
On another note, whatever passes for an I.R.S. in this country has decided to audit me. Evidently Canadian taxes work a little differently than America's. Something about wanting to be paid in a timely fashion, as I understand it. Also there's some discrepancy about a pound of manure as earned income. Man, this sucks.
Did I mention that the ambulance was stolen last night? The cops think it was a bunch of kids, but in any case they don't seem predisposed to do much about it. I had just put up all Dorothea's sheep stickers in the back window too. How am I supposed to get to the beer store now? It's almost 500 meters by foot.
Mailed a letter to Doorknobs today thanking her for the cute birthday gift. Not that it matters now that it's been stolen.
Seriously, life suxxors.
On another note, whatever passes for an I.R.S. in this country has decided to audit me. Evidently Canadian taxes work a little differently than America's. Something about wanting to be paid in a timely fashion, as I understand it. Also there's some discrepancy about a pound of manure as earned income. Man, this sucks.
Did I mention that the ambulance was stolen last night? The cops think it was a bunch of kids, but in any case they don't seem predisposed to do much about it. I had just put up all Dorothea's sheep stickers in the back window too. How am I supposed to get to the beer store now? It's almost 500 meters by foot.
Mailed a letter to Doorknobs today thanking her for the cute birthday gift. Not that it matters now that it's been stolen.
Seriously, life suxxors.
Mar. 12th, 2008
Waaaaaaaaah!!
It's hard to gather my thoughts together and explain how the whole ugly thing happened. Let me just start by saying that women suck! I suppose the whole thing began on Sunday when I sent Bootsy to the store on a beer run. When she still hadn't returned by Tuesday I figured she'd gotten lost again and I'd have to go get my own beer. I was just about to head to the store when I got a call. She'd taken her cell phone with her and told me she was in Hollywood with some guy making a beer commercial! It turns out she met him at the store and he said she had a "look" as she stood there holding a six-pack of Moosehead. Apparently he made her all kinds of promises and got her to sign a contract. I informed her it would probably be a cold day in Hell when she ever actually made a commercial, but Ram Stein suddenly started baaaaaahing so I went into the other room to see what was wrong. I found him standing in front of the TV set watching Bootsy pitching Moosehead during half-time. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I told her to come home immediately but she told me to stick it. Her new boyfriend apparently never makes her fetch him things, so what am I supposed to do now? Who's going to do the laundry and wash the dishes around here from now on? Who's going to get the beer and tell me where my socks are? Rammy's notoriously lazy when it comes to women's work. Doh!